I have never been hung up on the past, with every relationship I had and with every man I have loved I have always been entirely faithful, I have accepted flaws, compromised, forgiven and lived in the present, and I will be honest: in the future. Because I always tried imagining my future with each and one of them, almost all the time I could not see it – so it frightened me – but when I did see it – I did not like it – so it frightened me even more. I have recently realized this and once with this I have also realized that I have never truly loved because I was never loved back enough for me to see that future, for me to receive all that I was giving, that real meaning of the word love, that perfect fit, body and soul.
But this is not what I wanted to talk about now, I wanted to talk about the fact that I, unlike so many people, am not hung up on the past, or on past lovers, when I start a new relationship I enter it completely, I am willing to discover that person and to give myself completely from the beginning. I am honest and even though that is rare and not advised to be today, I am honest and I do not plan on changing no matter how much I was hurt (I just got tears in my eyes, because I cannot believe I am saying this, I was on the verge of depression, and here I am acknowledging my qualities and bravely letting my thoughts free into the world).
I was brave enough, without even knowing it, to love the person in front of me, to not regret my past even though it had hurt me so, to not compare, and to not judge, something that they cannot say. One might say it is because men and women are different, because men when they fall in love they fall rare and deep and when are hurt and that relationship breaks they rarely give up on it and hardly are open and willing to start another, then why do they hurt those that come latter? Maybe they were also hurt, worse than them, but they are strong enough to let go and be open and allow themselves to love again from the first moment, why should that latter suffer and wait and hope for him to be able to let go of his past and love her? Or worse what if that does not happen? what if he is such a coward and gives up on her after she has fallen for him because he pretended he let go of his past, or pretended it did not affect him?
Again, I have drifted away from the topic: I am amazing amaziing amaziiing!!! Because I have this amazing ability to heal myself after so much pain, so much misery, so much nothingness, I have risen and I will never be taken down again!
However, even though I have changed, I will still keep those qualities from above, but this time, I will not just feel, I will also think. I will not give myself to just anyone, they will have to earn it, they will have to prove there is no other one are hung up on, if I am going to give myself to them, they better worship me! They better be willing to give me a love like no other, not meaningless sex, not the 3 date rule, not the spending money on you so you better put out, not let’s keep being together hopefully I can feel something for you, not the I am at an age when no one else will look at me or I don’t want to bother to try be with someone else: NO!
I have raised my standards now, and for once in my life: I am not afraid of being alone (better alone than lonely in a relationship), I embrace my solitude; I accept it and I will make the best of it!