Sometimes I wonder what I would have been like if I were normal. What would that have felt like… probably the way it feels in the very rare moments in my life in which I’m serene, at peace, and only focusing on the present moment. Wouldn’t that be nice? To live in the present moment always… that surely must be nice.
To use alone time to do something useful – to read, to write, to take a little step every day towards what I used to call my dreams – cause they’re not, are they? They’re not really my dreams anymore; they’re the dreams of another version of me, a version I wish I were… maybe a version I am in a parallel unreachable Universe – instead of toiling away in anxious overthinking, regret, vicious watch-binging and binge-eating cycles, scrolling mindlessly in search of answers.
I mean… not normal, I hate the word ‘normal’. Just… well-adjusted.
Sometimes I wonder what I would have been like if I have had a trauma-free life. If I had grown up in an environment with people with the same interests in life and learning like me. If I would have had the opportunities and education a middle class family offers their children*, if my parents were aware of their emotions and able to properly handle their emotions when raising their kids – and inherently if their parents would have been able to properly handle THEIR emotions when raising their kids.**
I wonder what I would have been like if I had friends, people that truly saw me for me, and appreciated me, people that I could share life with. I wonder what I would have been like if I had partners that were really interested in me, that saw and wanted to know me as a human being, as a person, that really loved me and cared about me and my needs, that were able to communicate, to be honest, instead of wanting to use, to manipulate, to fake, to cheat, to lie.
I wonder what I would have been like if I wouldn’t have attracted ‘friends’ and partners equally or worse damaged than me. I wonder what I would have been like if I had a secure attachment style, instead of insecure, anxious… preoccupied with anything but my own good.
They say in this article that ‘changing attachment styles is possible’. I always knew my ‘damage’ happened growing up, it wasn’t until I found this just recently that I realised it’s okay to admit it. It doesn’t make me an ungrateful child, it doesn’t mean I hate my parents – it means I can be an adult and admit my feelings and try and correct the damage.
From the same article: ‘attachment theory outlines how your bond with your primary caregivers sets the foundation for how you navigate relationships throughout life.’
Therefore, the 4 types of attachment styles are:
‘secure
avoidant (aka dismissive, or anxious-avoidant in children)
anxious (aka preoccupied, or anxious-ambivalent in children)
disorganized (aka fearful-avoidant in children)
Avoidant, anxious, and disorganized are considered insecure attachment styles.
If a child can consistently rely on their parents to fulfill their needs growing up, they’re likely to develop a secure attachment style. They’ll see relationships as a safe space where they can express their emotions freely.
On the other hand, insecure attachment styles develop if a child has had a strained bond with their caregivers. This happens when the child learns they may not be able to rely on others to fulfill basic needs and comfort.
Enter: Attachment style, adulthood, and romantic relationships.’
The article continues with: ‘According to a 2018 studyTrusted Source, women score higher on anxiety and men score higher on avoidance when it comes to relationships. But these gender differences are small and have no direct impact on a person’s attachment style.’ I believe it definitely does, my style is anxious while my brother’s is avoidant – and we had the same parents. I’m guessing this is influenced by personality also, however, I do believe the tendency for women is to be anxious, while for men is avoidant, as per what society is like generally, let’s be realistic and not try to not be biased, there’s no bias here, it’s just reality.
The article goes on to say that regardless of your primary relationships, one can change attachment styles. Apparently you can learn the secure attachment style, you can learn to build healthy, long-lasting relationships, where do I sign up?
Apparently, a ‘secure attachment is the result of feeling secure with your caregivers from childhood and being able to ask for reassurance or validation without punishment.’ It means ‘you felt safe, understood, comforted, and valued during your early interactions.
Your caregivers were probably emotionally available and aware of their own emotions and behaviors.’
Therefore, as a result, you have the:
‘ability to regulate your emotions
easily trusting others
effective communication skills
ability to seek emotional support
comfortable being alone
comfortable in close relationships
ability to self-reflect in partnerships
being easy to connect with
ability to manage conflict well
high self-esteem
ability to be emotionally available’.
That’s all nice and dandy, but after reading about the other attachment styles, I realised I’m a happy anxious-preoccupied, a type of insecure attachment style characterised by:
‘fear of rejection
fear of abandonment
depending on a partner for validation and emotional regulation
codependent tendencies’.
It goes on to explain that ‘this attachment style stems from inconsistent parenting that isn’t attuned to a child’s needs.’
“Children with this attachment style experience very high distress when their caregivers leave. Sometimes, the parents will be supportive and responsive to the child’s needs while at other times, they will not be attuned to their children,” the article quotes.
If you have this attachment style, it means your parents ‘alternated between being overly coddling and detached or indifferent
been easily overwhelmed
been sometimes attentive and then push you away
made you responsible for how they felt,’ and goes on to quote that “these children often grow up thinking they are supposed to take care of other people’s feelings and often become codependent” (insert ‘Cha Ching’ sound effect here)
And the signs that one might have an anxious attachment style are:
‘clingy tendencies
highly sensitive to criticism (real or perceived)
needing approval from others
jealous tendencies
difficulty being alone
low self-esteem
feeling unworthy of love
intense fear of rejection
significant fear of abandonment
difficulty trusting others, ‘ check and check, every single one of them, where’s my prize?
On a reassuring note it continues with: ‘If you believe you have an insecure attachment style, you may be wondering how you can change it.
In some cases, this happens naturally. For instance, engaging in a relationship with someone with a secure style can help you become more secure in turn.
Aging may also play a factor.’
Oh, well, anyone remotely normal fuc*s away from me as if I’m a living repellent for anything good. But toxic people keep coming like bee to the honey, or like flies to sh*t, as we say in Romanian.
And ‘aging’, yes, it explains that when aging people have less time to spend on relationships or people that are not good for them, assuming that – what? They’re too busy with, what exactly? Work, marriage, kids, family, friends? Wtf would you be busy with if you’re incapable of forming healthy relationships? With toxic relationships in which you’ve settled? Ha! Kill me on the spot now, not slowly, please.
Or maybe you just accept the fact that wanting something good it’s not for you, and just spend time with and become grateful for the good in your half-adjusted parents.
— and now I raise you this: What if you try to heal and learn secure attachment, and you start practicing it, and valuing yourself more, and putting your needs first for once, and cutting on bad habits and bad people, and thinking happy thoughts and focusing on the positive? But it just won’t reveal itself to you, the people get shittier and shittier, and you just can’t catch a fucking break.
Or maybe the majority of people have an anxious or avoidant or disorganised attachment style, which makes it so difficult to be able to avoid all their crap until you get to the secure people. But where are they, why does it elude me so much?**
Wanting the company of people is exhausting, why do we have to be social beings, why isn’t my hyper sensitivity just a notch higher so that I can be okay with being a recluse?
Or maybe my answers lie in, or are intertwined with all the karma that still needs to be cleared.
Is it sad that I actually know that the answer to ironing out my difficulties is for me to make peace with my human and my spiritual side alike? That I need to properly be in tune with both my body and spirit in order to find the necessary balance to be happy in myself and with myself, in order to not feel the debilitating urge of wanting others?
It is.
So I guess the time has come for me to go back to myself. A second step was taken today, and that was to deactivate my socials – my time wasters, my ‘dissapoints’. After the first step taken was almost 2 years ago when I gave up online dating. Let there be wind in my sails cause the next steps are afoot, no time to waste.
* I come from a working class family in rural Romania. I didn’t have any extra curricular activities as a child, I grew up in the countryside so my soul is deeply connected with nature, with quiet from hot Summer nights and loud from thundery Fall storms, with fun in a meter high snow in Winter and real fruits and vegetables – but I would still not give that up for any pompous privilege that would make me grow up a conceited entitled brat. I didn’t have a basis of extra curricular activities that going to school in a city offers you, even though I am the first one in my close family to go to University and graduate. I have 2 BAs and 1 MAs and they’re currently completely useless, they’re only serving me in knowing things and not having who to talk to them about cause the people around me are neither interested nor mediocre. Professionally I don’t use them either cause they weren’t actually meant to provide a start for any lucrative jobs in today’s world, unless I want to start from unpaid or minimum wage jobs which will not happen cause I’m worth more that that. And I also didn’t choose to settle, instead I went and followed my dreams, apparently… all while trying not to go fucking mental
**but I’m clearing up some transgenerational trauma as well, that most likely goes back few generations – I’m becoming more and more aware of it. my spiritual beliefs guided me to understand that I accepted this challenge, this test, this gift before I was born as who I am now. no matter how hard it has been, no matter how hard it still is – I have this inexplicable answer imbued in me: I CHOSE THIS, I ACCEPTED THIS, AND I MUST SEE IT THROUGH – I know I have a lot of past lives karma of my own, and some connected to my close family also, as well as transgenerational trauma from my current family that I need to heal. I feel I chose to be the black sheep – that’s the only explanation for the immense inexplicable love I feel for my family, for my roots, for my country even. I am grateful for my morals, for the honesty, authenticity (which come from being an HSP and a Taurus, but I know my mom is HSP as well as she has many of the traits, and my dad is a Taurus so we have similar traits) and inherently goodness my parents’ instilled in me, intentionally and unintentionally, even though the topic here might suggest the opposite, I always say ‘even though they have taketh some from me, but oh… they giveth back so much more’
***oh, I’m sure I’ll meet them when I’m all full with myself (to be read as happy with, as I’d filled my own cup and there’s no space for crumbs) but the standards will be even higher then, babe, cause I don’t grow ‘old’, I don’t know what that is and I’m not that just as I’m not ‘normal’ I only grow, evolve, improve, expand
1 source:
Here Is How to Identify Your Attachment Style by Morgan Mandriota on October 13, 2021
https://psychcentral.com/health/4-attachment-styles-in-relationships#secure-attachment
Rory, The Unloved 